Milo sure likes to sleep while I am doing homework, can you hear him snoring?
This I believe, love can heal all. Love. What is it? What does it mean? The dictionary says love ; a strong feeling of affection, devotion and concern for another. Love to me, it is a way of life. Love can overcome the worst of problems.
I used to be an angry man. I would let so many things bother me. I would get mad at the wind blowing the wrong way. I would come home from wherever and someone or something would have me pissed off. I would take it out on walls, furniture or anything I could pick up and smash. This is not love. The love of my life, my wife had enough. She was scarred, more than scared, worried for the safety of herself and my son. My son was five years old at that time. She came to me one day, with all the strength and love in her heart and told me to leave, not for good, but to leave and don't come back until I got help. She was firm in her conviction that I had to get out. I was crying like a baby, terrified, scared, but she was right She loved me very much. Tears just came to my eyes when I wrote that. I will tell you why later.
My mom was a counselor. I went to her and she had been expecting me. Mom knew I had a bad anger problem, but as a counselor she knew she could not help me until I wanted help. Mom gave me a big envelope full of information on where to go and who to see. I realized that she had been compiling this information for a while. She hoped some day I would come to her for help.
I started to go through the info mom gave me. I had so much information I wasn't sure where to start. Mom told me who she thought I should see and so began my road to redemption.
I didn't know what to expect from a men's group. I had never been involved in any type of counselling . I had an open mind, I wanted to do what ever I needed to do to fix the problem. You see that's one of the sad truths about when you abuse someone. Their memories are always the same. They can forgive and they can still love, but the memories of the abuse is burned into their soul. This I had not yet learned. I was still thinking I could fix the problem. I tell you writing about this hurts so bad. This happened twenty four years ago. Time and distance help, but even the reality of time can't change what I did.
I went to a men's group that was actually for men who had been ordered by the court system to seek counseling as part of their sentencing requirements. I was allowed in with permission to this group with help from my mom's boss. The people who ran this group came highly recommended. It was nice that I was able to become part of the group, they worked only with men who had been convicted of some sort of domestic violence. I was lucky that I had not been convicted of any violent crime. I was a real mean son of a bitch I had so much misplaced anger. I will say it again, I am lucky I have never been arrested or convicted of a violent crime or domestic abuse. I am a big man. Six foot two, 260 lbs and at that time a lot more muscle. I was 27 years old.
I started the group therapy with about six other men. I can't give their names, but we were a mixed group. We came from different backgrounds and classes of society. There was a car sales man, an ex-cop, he was huge, towered over me, a radio deejay, a construction worker, a doctor and me. This was an interesting bunch. We all told our stories of why we were there and what we had hoped to learn from the group. I was surprised at how much we all had in common , as far as violence problems. Yet, we were all so different in the lives we lead.
The Dr. in charge of the group was a small, very nice man. I would also go see him one on one once a week along with the weekly group sessions. I learned a lot about why I was acting the way I was, but most importantly, I was learning the importance of how my actions were mentally damaging my wife and son. The act of smashing things and yelling and screaming while breaking all the furniture in the house is the same as, if not worse than hitting someone. I had no idea of the mental scarring I was doing to my family. I never laid a hand on my wife or son , but the violence I was doing was worse. When someone is physically abused, they usually know what to expect. When some one is being mentally abused, they don't know what to expect. With that said, physical abuse is not better, I am just showing why mental abuse is worse.
I felt so much shame at what I had done to my family. I didn't know or realize the damage I was doing. This knowledge was painful and powerful. I wanted to not be me anymore. I would buy my wife gifts to make her happy, but she made me stop. She said not to try to use gifts to make her happy, she wanted me to learn what I was doing to her and my son. She told me to keep learning about myself. I did what she asked. She was my world and I hurt her in a way that is inexcusable.
The process of healing, becoming a better man, a better person takes time. This process of spending weeks or months in therapy is just the beginning. This process of change, learning to understand what I had done wrong, what I needed to fix, this will continue for life. You can't take a six week or three month group therapy program and think " I'm cured ", nope. The group therapy was a great start for me, but this process of healing, learning, becoming a good husband and father, this is a forever commitment
I learned so much about who I was and why I was acting the way I was. The sad reality is that we do hurt the ones we love. I had heard that saying before in my life ,but didn't know the meaning until that time. I learned that I can control nobody but myself. The actions of others is not under my control. This is one of the problems that a lot of young men face in a relationship. They believe that they have the right to control their partner. This comes from feelings that a young man thinks that it is his duty to protect his family. The one problem with this idea is that a young mans partner has their own life to live. This was one of the most important things that I learned.
I learned to share my feelings, speak my mind and yes it is okay to get mad but know how to handle those feelings. I left that group learning so much about how to treat myself and others in a positive way. Most important, I learned that my wife is her own person who I cannot control. Her life is hers to do what she wants. I can't control her in any way. I had to learn that I needed to talk with people about situations that made me upset. Just don't walk away full of anger. Let the feelings out in a positive way.
This concept was freedom to me. I felt calm. I felt at peace with myself. I knew that words are just that , words. Can the words that people say make you feel bad?, yes, but can they hurt you physically?, no. If someone puts up a middle finger, I just smile and say "Have a nice day" and move on. It works. I am older now, maybe the fact that I have gotten older has made me open up myself. I enjoy the small things of life. Birds chirping, trees changing with the season. I am hopefully becoming a kind gentle soul.
Over the years since I went to the group therapy I have become, gentler, kinder. I go out of my way to help people. I hold doors for anyone. I give people smiles. I show love. That's my credo. Love, love to all, and love can set you free. The simplest things in life are wonderful. It took me a long time to figure that out. I have days when I get upset, mad at the world, we all do. But I do my best to forgive and move on. Using the knowledge that I have now learned made every day with my wife and son, and soon after, my daughter, wonderful. My son became a star student and is now a chemist. My daughter just graduated from OTC. But my wife, that wonderful, beautiful woman, passed away from stomach cancer.
That wonderful woman, my wife Tamara passed away from cancer five and half years ago. That's the tears I was talking about earlier. Oh how I love her. She taught me so much about what it meant to be loved She helped me become a wonderful dad and husband. Before I started my road to redemption, I never stopped to realize how wonderful and beautiful she really was. I knew she was an attractive woman but her heart, her soul, she had so much love inside. She didn't want things. She just wanted a roof over her head, a place to sleep and to have her family around her .She taught me about love and the power of love and that sometimes to love, you have to be tougher and stronger than you never thought you could .This I believe, love can heal all.
A true story by Scott Hasemeier.
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